just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
