nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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