I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
