Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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