you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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