This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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