Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
