can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
