He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
