doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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