totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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