tell your sister to shave her snatch
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
