i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
