OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
