I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
