wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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