Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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