Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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