you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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