Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
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