worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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