Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
