You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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