That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
