Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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