I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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