just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
