You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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