Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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