apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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