how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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