I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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