Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize