i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Randomize
