I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
My ass is underappreciated
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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