I wanna bring you to show and tell
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
false alarm. still invincible.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
