the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
