first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
