Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
