The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
