how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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