Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
