did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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