Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Randomize
