Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
