Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
