Please, let me fuck your mom
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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