i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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