I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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