Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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