I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
