Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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