i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize