My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
