paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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