My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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