She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
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