What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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