Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
