so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
